From the initial ideas of the storyline to the build up of filming, I was very excited to finally begin work on my first major project.
I've done short films and corporate productions in the past, even done some acting too. All of it was great and exciting to work on.
But now, I feel like the magic has been taken away from me.
Whether its because of the lack of sleep I've had over the past six weeks during the shoot or its just something else. But my views and ambitions for the industry have taken a downward path and I'm unsure whether I want to turn back.
Film is something I've always loved from an early age. Its always been a dream of mine to work in film or television.
I always went to the cinema on my own as I found it a great place to escape the troubles I was experiencing when I was younger.
It was my place to relax and it made me forget about my worries even if it was for just two hours.
Now, for some strange reason. My views towards the industry have changed, leaving me with serious doubt that after thirty years of pursuing my dreams, whether I should have listened to those who have never really supported me and took that step back to think - is this actually the career for me?
Some of you who know me and are reading this will be quiet surprised at what I'm writing.
But the truth of the matter is, I'm seriously fed up of trying to prove myself. Its been a constant up hill battle to convince people that it can be a great, exciting job to work in no matter how big or small the work can be. But because of the constant disagreements and lack of support throughout my life with people its left me feeling quite sad and unfulfilled.
Over the years, I've walked onto sets, professional and amateur, and its given me an overwhelming 'buzz' just being there either watching people being creative or being part of a production team as an actor or cameraman. Its also given me a lot of respect for those doing this work as its not an easy job bringing a script to the screen, and those who think it is seriously need a reality check.
But as time has gone on, I feel like that 'buzz' has disappeared.
For some reason I woke up the other day and thought is this really what I want? Am I chasing a dead dream from my younger days that's seriously beginning to bring me down? What true support have I had throughout my pursuit of happiness except from a small majority of people?
I think this reality check has hit home during the shoot of 'Christian'. I've started feeling lost, annoyed, depressed and my love of film fading fast.
I used to go home from a day's work and watch a film to relax.Watching movies gave me inspiration to shoot 'Christian' and write more projects. But it just doesn't do it anymore and I think its this shoot that has seriously knocked me on my ass.
Now I'll have to put my hands up and be honest to say its not been a smooth running production, its been far from it.
From the moment we started shooting, problems tainted the production from locations and businesses dropping out last minute, frustrations from cast and crew because of the schedule constantly changing, technical problems and no major financial support throughout. Because of this I've slowly begun to hate this industry with a passion.
I think if you've got the connections and the money, then film making is definitely a job to do. But if you've got little to no support from businesses and people, trying to keep a healthy relationship with your friends and keep your sanity all at the same time. Then I'll advise you against it, because all its done to me is turned me against something I've loved all my life and put friendships at risk. To be honest, its not worth it.
At the end of it all, I hope all the hard work and time gone into this production does pay off. As its fast becoming my last production I ever want to be involved in. Its going to take a lot of convincing to haul me back into the game not just for the above reason, but for several more.
